Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

sea-rchlight has limited the viewing of this artwork
to members of the DeviantArt community only.

You can log in or become a member for FREE!

the gods
in their storybooks
are laughing


aaaah obsession with greek mythology (:

critique for bloodied lips by rebbiechan. check out her piece, guys :'D

--

feedback questions

i. is the imagery effective? weak?
ii. are there any lines that seem awkward or out of place?
iii. does this piece flow?
iv. are there any lines//words that are cliche or overused?

thank you (':

--

poetry © :iconlittle-bird-bones:
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2012-05-14
[more than galaxies] by ~little-bird-bones The suggester wrote, "It's full of bright imagery, razor-sharp wordplay, and a splash of delightfully geeky-greeky reference."

Also suggested by 9 other deviants. ( Suggested by QuiEstInLiteris and Featured by thorns )
:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2013  Student Writer
i. is the imagery effective? weak?

Very effective, if not a bit confusing, but that's primarily due to my lack of Greek mythology.

ii. are there any lines that seem awkward or out of place?

Everything seemed really well placed IMO. It was one of those few pieces that when I started to read i could feel my heart beat faster, as I got excited at the fact that I was reading really really well written poetry. 

iii. does this piece flow?

Like hell it does.

iv. are there any lines//words that are cliche or overused?

I don't know if the block quotes are really needed, but I think the piece as a whole comes off as quite original. Brilliant stuff.
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
hi hello! i'm sorry for the late reply, but thank you for taking the time to read my work (and even comment on it aah♥). it's very much appreciated (':

i will definitely consider removing the block quotes, bcos the more i look at this piece the more i agree that they really serve no purpose.

i am so glad to hear that your heart started to beat faster (': it makes me incredibly happy to know that my writing affected you in such a way.

thank you so much, lovely soul x
Reply
:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2013  Student Writer
You're very welcome, thanks for the kind reply :3
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: dailylitdeviations.deviantart.… Congratulations on your DD!

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
ah oh gosh, thank you so much (': i'm so sorry for the late reply, but i will definitely check out the journal and the other artists!

thank you, thank you, thank you :iconblushplz:
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013  Student Writer
GREEK MYTHOLOGY. I LOVE YOU FOR THIS.
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
hi! thank you so much!! i'm so sorry this reply is so late. i've been on a break from deviantart haha ;;

but i really do appreciate your lovely comment. thank you thank you thank you! :iconluvluvplz:
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2013  Student Writer
No worries! I totally understand that kind of thing, lol.

You're welcome! :heart:
Reply
:iconalantherobot:
AlanTheRobot Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013
I'm not very familiar with greek mythology, apart from Prometheus and a few others, it wasn't my cup of tea at school, so I had to look some of these up and I might not have gotten all the references, but like always, I loved it anyways!

Favorite line: "<font>on the tile and caught a fever so crisp, it spoke"

The only line I don't really get is this one "</font><font>they called me brother.
sister." Could you explain it?

Hey, I just realized. You got a DD for this! Why did it come in my watch just now? Did you update it? Oh and I replied to your note.
</font>
Reply
:iconmandatoryyesterdays:
MandatoryYesterdays Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013
oh lord, this is absolutely fascinating. I just love the feeling I get from this- it just makes me feel so peaceful and calm. I am positively in love with this poem and your words.
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
hi hello! i'm so sorry for replying so late DD: i haven't been on deviantart much lately ;;

but thank you so very much for this lovely comment. i'm so happy my work could make you feel this way!! please have a great day x
Reply
:iconadagiobunny:
Adagiobunny Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Student Writer
i am head-over-heels in love with the first stanza - something little, held in the palm of my hand, everything shrinks to mobile-size & spins just so in the dark...

echoes of greece are of course appreciated. ;)

also, super congrats on the DD - you deserve it!!
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you so much for taking the time to read this piece! your comments have all been so very lovely. (':
Reply
:iconadagiobunny:
Adagiobunny Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2013  Student Writer
no problem! i enjoy reading and commenting... ;)
Reply
:iconsedahliah:
SedahLiah Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012   Writer
A DD 8 days after submitting? Truly impressive. :thumbsup:

Your imagery is suitable to the length of the piece, it's not suffocating or scarce, very effective. There are no stand out cliches or awkward lines in my opinion. Every part serves its purpose. :)
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you so much! (:
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2012  Professional Writer
Your piece has been featured in #Lit-Visual-Alliance's Allied Artwork Feature! Please :+fav: the article to bring attention to the feature. :)
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you so much!! (:
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Professional Writer
No problem. :)
Reply
:iconinthestarrynightsky:
InTheStarryNightSky Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2012
A beautiful piece. Wonderful imagery. Amazing job.
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you so much! :')
Reply
:iconinthestarrynightsky:
InTheStarryNightSky Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2012
You're welcome. :)
Reply
:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner May 30, 2012  Student Writer
1) I find that this piece actually lacks imagery. That being said, don't let anyone tell you that this makes or breaks a poem. While you didn't use concrete images, you gave room for the reader to imagine the scenery with the way you used words.

2) Personally I feel like the third stanza is a bit out of place. I'm assuming you're using the allusion to icarus and then the ocean. However, if this is the case I would start that stanza with "maybe tonight." This makes the stanza much more concise and to the point.

3) Very much so, until the aforementioned third stanza. The ending also flows very well.

4) I think that's the other problem I have with the fourth stanza. I have heard lines like "i'll pretend i'm safe." "if i never leave this darkness." and "i'll pretend i don't breathe." The rest of the poem is so fresh that these take the reader out of the experience. Otherwise, this piece is crisp and beautiful.

I hope that helped!
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner May 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my feedback questions (:

i'm continuously editing this piece to make it better--and your comment does help. immensely :'D
Reply
:iconerohares:
Erohares Featured By Owner May 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is... so perfect
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner May 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
lol not nearly (:

but thank you kindly!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 16, 2012   General Artist
i. ohmigoshohmigoshohmigosh! The imagery was glass shattering-ly beautiful.
ii. nothing that I could point out
iii. the piece definitely has a wonderful flow of its own. Solemn I believe is the best way I could describe the feeling.
iv. I think this last question should be changed. lol. seriously, you writing has a great individual feel to it, and this piece especially is really too breathtaking.

Above all congratulations on the well deserved DD. There's magic in you.:heart:
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner May 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
oh my gosh--thank you so much for your lovely comment (':

you're too kind!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 16, 2012   General Artist
The pleasure is all mine, truly.:heart:

Btw, that Robert Frost poem excerpt on your siggy is spine raking-ly beautiful in my opinion. :squee:
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner May 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
it is!

...lol spine raking-ly beautiful. i love that (:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 17, 2012   General Artist
I'm glad you do! :giggle:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 16, 2012   General Artist
This is for #theWrittenRevolution btw :D
Reply
:iconquiestinliteris:
QuiEstInLiteris Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Professional Writer
:heart: Well done. Very well done, indeed.
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you (:
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Congrats on the DD! Well deserved! :heart:
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you!! (:
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure!
Reply
:iconlit-twitter:
Lit-Twitter Featured By Owner May 14, 2012
Chirp, congrats on the DD, it's been twittered. :)
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you (:
Reply
:iconilyilaice:
ilyilaice Featured By Owner May 14, 2012
you use such simple language but wield it in this utterly effective way. nice job! and congrats on the DD! :heart:
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you (:
Reply
:iconteleportinglemondrop:
TeleportingLemonDrop Featured By Owner May 14, 2012
Marvelous!
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks (:
Reply
:iconsarcastic-assassin:
sarcastic-Assassin Featured By Owner May 14, 2012   Photographer
Somehow adding this to my favorites just doesn't do enough to show what a great piece of work this is.

The imagery is more than effective, and is thoroughly thought provoking.
Nothing is out of place where it shouldn't be and it is perfectly out of place where it should be.

I really enjoyed reading it and am very glad you posted, thank you!
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you so much for the lovely comment (':
Reply
:iconsarcastic-assassin:
sarcastic-Assassin Featured By Owner May 15, 2012   Photographer
You're very welcome
Reply
:iconalabaster-islie:
alabaster-Islie Featured By Owner May 14, 2012
casting mass sadness
death is coming
death is calling
swift and silent
death takes me.
~silent somebody~
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
lovely piece. did you write it? (:
Reply
:iconalabaster-islie:
alabaster-Islie Featured By Owner May 15, 2012
yes. im compiling all the little tidbits of mine like that and soon they will be here in my gallery
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner May 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
very nice (:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

Featured in Collections

Lit Poems by lizard6745

Poetry by crimsonsable

Favorites - Literature by IOwnSarcasm


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
May 6, 2012
File Size
871 bytes
Thumb

Stats

Views
3,533
Favourites
276 (who?)
Comments
176
×